Writing

An example of my creative writing; this is a 7 minute character monologue, written for YR12 Drama, based on the life of King Charles II and inspired by “The Court Jester” film (1955) starring Danny Kaye, directed by Norman Panama and Melvin Frank.

“Hakimo”

Starting upstage, back to the audience, turns around and stumbles forward as if he’s been pushed
in to the court of the King. His only prop is a badminton racket that he holds.

HAKIMO: Good evening your majesty, me lords, (a little sly) me ladies, why I am the Hackimo the
happy chappy, I sing dance and I do the tappy-tappy. Such honour is bestowed upon me for taking
presence in your majesty’s court. Most gracious glorious ruler, who I know as only a fool can know
of a fellow that you were a shy, diffident rickety young boy, and look at him now, a wondrous,
charming, handsome, and arrogant. (Oops!)

Ahh but your majesty would you not agree that a little haughtiness is needed to uphold the “divine
right of Kings!?” huh? no oh well then…

let us not dwell on this, how about a song! (aside) A rather timely song

“King Charles thought he’d rule our England alone,
but he had no money (tug collar) he needed a loan

Our Kingy-de-wingy still wanted the throne,
but “what can I do” our King he did moan

Eleven years unaccompanied indeed, a tyrant al”
oh no your grace, it just rhymes so well, tis not
because you are one, aren’t one! Never was one!!

A ty-hmm-hmm alas. Your methods were tactless
and just generally crass

Nevertheless, of foes you made friends, with the
Spaniards and French you made a meet of the
ends.

En guard! Zey ceased to say, bon appitite they said
and you were all merry and gay

Yet resurrection of clauses, without but a, pauses,
you fined everyone who missed your do! A boo!

So unpopular you became but at fault you are not,
for the story of a king with no money, well just
doesn’t make for a good plot! And that! What’s
that? Yes that! Who’s that? Yes that is all I’ve got!”

KING CHARLES: Basilray! My shoes fetch my shoes! <angry whisper> No the high heeled ones! (puts
them on and stands up) Come forth boy, Hackimo the happy chappy who sings and he dance and he
does the blah blah blah blah tell me, this opinion that you speak of in your fiddly diddly song. Is this
but of your own? Dare you speakest what you do?

HAKIMO: Why, your majesty a Jester, he does not hold an opinion, he is merely, the speaker of the
truth, the voice of reason, he speaks a ready wit in every tongue.

Ohhhh, speaker of truth…uh…I

With the exception of today, whoever came up with this devious, misguided judgement of your
majesty is a fool, not a friendly fool as I but a foolish fool. But does all this not beg answer of a
question? A question whose inquisitorial manner delves into the quizzical qualms of questioning?
Indeed it does so pray tell, your majesty, if the ounce doth pounce, why must thy fool be likened to a
mule

See look here at what I hold, this racket, lo and behold, we are one we are a packet

For there once was a time where my quick wit and impeccable intellect outweighed my talent for
the badminton game oh but how I loved it, yet I was quickly labelled a buffoon, but I said woah nelly,
for indeed a fool I am and proud to be for who better to be foolish than a fool?

So why then, dare I ask, are we foolsez reknowned for our comments on the goings on of this world
that we propose round. Why I, Hackimo shall tell you the importance of jester, happily for I am
hereditarily heaped in history. We are informers to the monarchs my lord….not that you need
informing … You see for example, The people whisper in our ear then in your court the thought does
appear. So the people get what they want while he gets to carry on with his lazy jaunt!

Yes yes I know (hand across throat)

KING CHARLES II: Hakimo! ‘Remind me again why you are here

HAKIMO: Oh I was hoping you would ask for ‘tis a charming story, and I just generally tell it well…for

“I was just in the middle
Of my daily pee-pee-piddle
When your guards entered my rooms

I was fighting for my life
Because I got a pregnant wife
When your guards entered my room

They said
(guards)
Yo ho Diablo
The king has hurt his elbow

For the year is 1642
A jester’s services are required of you
You must come now oh tell us how
To solve the riddle, don’t be a cow

(trumpet sound)

WUH…? Duh well I’m just a jester

HAKIMO IMITATING HIS WIFE:
Hackimo you are a dummy even though you can be funny
Tell me you know what’s going on?
While I was doing the dishes he arrested politicians
But he failed miserably
So now he ‘as come for you
Cos the ol fella feels so-o blue
So make ‘im fe-el a million pence
For when you go, go on now hence
You must flatter him make him feel
Like he don’t need the extension heel
And you must, whilst remaining witty and funny
You must explain away the blame”

You see your majesty, I was called before your court to give you an account of your wrongdoings,
right doings, wrongdoings of the wrongdoers; The members of the House of Commons.

Pray let me tell you of my fellow Giacomo for his predicament was not to dissimilar to my own,
when he was faced with a (dramatic) life and death situation, and also like me he had the affections
of many a fair wench…

Why even the princess fair, grew fond of his gold flowing hair

“Oh, Giacomo you are so ardent!”

Yet her hand was promised to the grim and grisly gruesome Griswold, yet she refused and pledged
her love to the humble jester…but

“I too love the princess and would fight for her heart. I hereby challenge in mortal combat Giacomo!

Huh?

Giacomo! Knight of the realm! Defender of the soil! And protector of the crown!

Wooah!

(fall over and get up whilst saying…)

So he was made into a knight, literally overnight, yet he was lucky he is like me for he won the battle
even though the vessel with the pestle was the brew that was true when the chalice from the palace
broke so the pellet with the poison was put in the flagon, with the figure of a dragon.

You may ask how alikeness can be drawn between the two predicaments but nay do not look twice,
for I took a chance I rolled the dice, for we jesters are risk takers, we are friskily risky and well would
you not say that I did ok?

END

Topical gag examples from LIVE ON BOWEN season 1, written as part of my role as Head Writer

1. Jean-Claude Van Damme has confirmed, with a little too much
detail, that whilst filming ‘street fighter’ he an Kylie Minogue did
indeed ‘make beautiful love’ it’s just a shame they didn’t ‘make a
beautiful movie’

2. A Wild boar and a fox have helped 2 kangaroos escape from a zoo in Germany. Baz Lurman has since bought the rights for “The Great Escape II”

3. It has been confirmed that 57 year old actor Bruce Willis will not be removing his shirt for the 5th and final Die Hard movie – as his
arthritis prevents it.

4. As a child when I heard the phase – ‘Big Brother’ I thought; loving caring, my hero, now, thanks to return of the much hated TV show
I think bogans, claustrophobia and food fights.

5. One of the items up for sale in an Auction of Elvis Presleys personal items is a pair of his unwashed underpants – the Kings delicates were specially bought to provide a seam-free look under his white jumpsuit. Expected to fetch around $15,000 the underpants are said to still be soiled with a hunk a hunk of burning love.

Auto Cue examples from season 1 of LIVE ON BOWEN, written as part of my role as Head Writer

Welcome Backs:

Welcome back to live on Bowen or should I say; Bive on Lowen…?

Hello you’re watching Live on Bowen where you can LOL to your hearts content

Welcome back to Live on Bowen where we put the Ool in Cool

Welcome back to Live On Bowen where we mix 50 Shades of Grey with Hairy Mclairy

Welcome back to Live On Bowen where we put the sense in Magnificence

Welcome back to the big warm hug that is Live On Bowen

Throw to breaks:

It’s time for a short break…don’t go anywhere (change of tone) travel ain’t cheap!

(mock daytime tv advert) We’ll be right back after these short messages from our commercial
supporters

Don’t be slack even if you got the sack, cos we’ll be right back

Don’t go anywhere, we’ll be right back with more humorous hilarity

Aaron Intro:

And now for a segment I like to call the muscle hustle. His name is Aaron, but ladies he ain’t barren,
please welcome my co-host Mr Aaron McCarthy

Ladies and gentlemen pull out your sunglasses, my co-host has a twinkle in his eye so sparkly it could
cause you cataracts. Listen to his wise words, but avoid his enchanting gaze – it’s Aaron McCarthy!

It’s time for a segment about playing things cool and not acting like a fool (or tool) brought to you
by, my co-host, the stylishly single Aaron McCarthy.

Susie Intro:

Ladies and gentlemen prepare for elegance and charm so powerful it can disarm even the most
sterling of men, the very lovely Susie Paterno

She has taken us on a journey of epic proportions, with intimate introductions to her friends and
foes, it’s time to ask – what is next for this superstar that is my co-host – please welcome Susie
Paterno!

Come hither my pretty-ones now is the time to confess your sins, here to grant you penance, please
welcome my co-host, the fiery, feisty vixen; Susie Paterno!

Example of Host’s opening monologue from Season 1 of LIVE ON BOWEN,  written as part of my role as Head Writer

One thing has stuck out to me from your feedback and that is that there are a few types of Rob and
that I have different personas. Now I appreciate this because I’m not very self-aware, sure I’m self
involved but anytime I try to watch myself back on telly I’m like “woooaah look at the pretty lights!”.
So apparently there are 3 Robs: flirty, angry and pressure of the world on his shoulders Rob. If you
don’t know them, I’ll introduce you; Flirty: “Hey” Angry: “HEY!!” Pressure-of –the-world-on-his-

shoulders: “…hey…” So that’s 3 types of Rob, wow – talk about range!

So I’ve been thinking, only a few episodes left in the season, let’s mix things up a bit yea? I want to
expand my range to maybe …6…or at least 4? So I thought I would start by combining the already
existing types to create some mashed up versions of myself, in a metaphorical sense. Get out your
spatula and scrape me off the side of your bowl – here we go – start off with flirty rob with a hint of
pressure of the world on his shoulders rob.. “hey baby, let me father your sponsor child” What do
we think?

Or perhaps flirty but angry Rob.. “WAS YOUR DAD A THEIF??? BECAUSE HE STOLE THE STARS AND
PUT THEM IN YOUR EYES!”

Angry pressure of the world on his shoulders rob.. “what is the meaning of life? <through gritted
teeth> What. Is .the. meaning. of. Liiife…? I don’t know. I’m still working on this cryptic crossword”

Or all of them? Why not!.. <Yells> “I think you’re cute…(as if the choice is a chore) but I think
everyone’s cute”

<Exhausted sigh> it’s so hard trying to please everyone! I haven’t been under this much scrutiny
since the last family Christmas!

“so you’re still doing the professional pretending thing…”

“It’s called acting mum”

“ oh…why don’t you try dinner theatre darling? Or just being a waiter? Surely even that’s better”

I have learnt that I can’t please everyone, I wish I could, <upset> but there just isn’t a packet of
snakes big enough for everyone to have one.

THIS IS ORIGINAL WORK BY HAYMAN KENT, PLEASE DON’T STEAL ME OR OR PRESENT AS YOUR OWN 30/09/2012

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